Embarrassing stream of consciousness writing...

However cliché the saying may be, I cannot help but to relate: the people who you love the most are the ones who hurt you the most.

Time and time and time and time again this has been proved to me. And time and time again I find myself in the same situations and making the same old stupid decisions and loving and trusting and getting wounded and hurt.

I think that is why I have trouble forming really strong, emotional bonds with people, even family... because whenever I do invest my all, my everything — all my love, all my care, all of me — into someone, I often get shit in return.

Not that love should ever be about giving and getting back. Nothing makes me happier than to give and to make others happy. But I just want friendship in return... How can one be a friend to someone who is not a friend back? It's not really possible...

Not that I do not have good friends. But everyone good goes away, everything nice passes... and I'm stuck dealing with the shit that my "loved" ones left behind for me.




The thing is...all I ever wanted, all I ever asked for was to be your friend. Nothing more... and you can't even give me that. You point out my flaws, fail to ever say, "thank you", you make me feel ugly and worthless sometimes. So why do I even bother? Why did I bother? And all this doesn't just go for you...
It just might happen to go for you and you and you and you and you and yeah, maybe even YOU over there in the corner.

I care(d) about your so much! and what was all of this? You felt obligated to do this one thing for me... because I was so nice to you and did you all of those favors... but that friendship... the friendship I long for and the friendship I asked for...you could care less about that, right? This girl, who was there for you, this girl who tried to pick you up and make you feel better and pick up the pieces when you were hurting, this girl who sacrificed to give you a lot, this girl who was honest and up front with you and told you all of these wonderful things...this girl needed you and you weren't there. You would rather be with her and her and her and him and him and her and her. You would rather be there or there or that place or there with her... never here with me unless it's something of obligation, right?

You sit there across from me with those stupid headphones in your ears. I talk to you, you act like you hear, but you don't listen. You may know that my birthday is January 17, 1989, but you don't know the real girl who came out of the womb that day. I thought you were trying... but you weren't at all.

Selfish, selfish, selfish, just like everyone else who has done this to me.

Used, used, used, used... Me, me, me, me, used, used, used... over and over again.

and by YOU of all people!!! I always know in the back of my head that it was possible, but you are so timid, so shy, so smart, so seemingly sweet and innocent, I never thought it could really be... but it is... and more than I could have ever imagined.

How wrong my first impression was.

You're not the only one going through a rough patch of life. I'm here, too... I thought we would be here for each other... but it's a one-sides thing, huh?

You get what you want from me on your watch, when you want it... and anything that I may want or need from you... well, it honestly doesn't matter... does it? Right, selfish, I already said that. But you don't get it. Maybe you really don't have emotions...

Because after what I said to you, I do not know how any normal human being could have treated me like this.

Thank you for proving that I am right in always expecting the worst — especially from human beings — especially from the people you love the most and for whom you would do absolutely anything...

and I really would have.

Had you told me to jump, I would have done it.

Bueno...

Something really scary happened to you the other day. I didn't know what to do... and in that moment, something flashed before my eyes and I thought about a world without you... and I realized, I had been taking you for granted, and I'm sorry.

And I told you that today... and I am so glad I did. For once I wrote a long letter and for once it got delivered... and it got such an amazing response. I have never been happier...

And lately, I think I have been doing a better job of just being blunt with my emotions. Even if it means writing it out and hiding under the covers while someone reads a letter I wrote them — it's better than keeping silent and not saying anything at all...

The thing is, for some reason I thought you would be upset after you read what I had to say to you, but you felt so many emotions toward me — none of which I think were bad at all. And you were so sweet to me.

I guess I am proud of myself for doing something I've never had the balls to do before... and I am so glad it was with you because you treated me so well and I knew it would never warp the way you think of me — at least in bad way — but I think it DID change the way you think of me — for the better! This is all proof that I need to be more willing to take risks and more willing to put my feelings out there right away instead of waiting centuries...

Because, as the other night proved, if you don't tell someone how you feel (about love or a fight or just anything with any relationship, romantic or non-romantic), you could regret it — his/her/your life could slip away in a second when you least expect it... and I am so glad you are still here and that you are ok. :D I can't wait to see where this all goes and I am so happy you are here.

I think I was easily inspired by you and that's why I chose to write about my thoughts on you so much.

Now that that's done...

I am back here tonight in my bed alone... and it's only 1 a.m. It wasn't how the evening was supposed to end at all. I've been finding that lately I rarely get anything that I want, and in fact, I get in return what I want least of all.

I started thinking about that. Why? Is it because what I want is unreasonable and impossible? No, as a matter of fact, all the things I desire for my life right now are so practical. But what I want, is that what I need? Is that the way my life should actually be going? And if I don't get what I want, then it's not what I needed. I need to learn to accept that, and be HAPPY with that. I am so sick of being let down and not getting what I think I want and what I think I deserve, that lately I have felt like I don't deserve anything and have had no desire for anything.

I guess tonight I had expectations. And I got treated like shit, when I least expected it... But I said I wasn't going to write about my romantic life in here for a while. But I am sick of being treated like shit... by a lot of people in my life. And I am starting to learn who those people are, and also starting to realize who my real friends are. No more big parties trying to be everyone's friend. Those are fun like once every couple of months, but last year, every other weekend was too much. Even once a month is too much for me anymore.

I'm starting to realize that smaller groups and really getting to form connections with people are so much more important. I know why I have always been scared of that though, it's because I have been hurt and let down and had my trust broken... more than I think most people have. And for so long I have been scared of being hurt more and more...but if you don't run the risk of getting hurt, then you never get to feel the bliss of being loved and the bliss of having those strong connections with a friend.

The people I have been surrounding myself with lately are so great. I think that is the major thing I am so grateful for in my life right now. Sure, some relationships may be really torn up...someone close to me is in love with me and I don't feel the same way, I made a simple mistake & apologized... and my best friend and her mom still can't forgive me and they attacked me during the hardest time in my life, I have some kinks to work out in a couple other relationships, and I had an awkward "phone" call today (that I think ended pretty well! :D)...but those are all things that will fix themselves naturally and in time, and if they don't fix themselves, then the wounds will completely heal someday. In the meantime, I have never been happier socially, now that I am only spending quality time with the people I most want in my life and not pretending to be friends with people who only want to use me or are selfish, or whose friendship only benefits them and not me at all. A friendship should work both ways, and wanting to get some satisfaction and happiness out of a friendship is a completely realistic thing to ask. I believe if I can't see those qualities in someone, it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that we shouldn't be the best of friends.

I know that rant was kind of random, but I guess that's what I've been dealing with lately, and it's my blog.

So, Mexico. I think I'm going back. When I first found out... I didn't cry, but I think I got really upset in a strange way. I didn't sleep or eat or feel any emotions for like five days. I skipped a bunch of class and was a recluse and went into hiding almost...Then, I woke up today ready to face the world and this problem. I got a lot of my makeup work done, wrote an essay about Edward Gorey (fabulous!), I E-mailed my attorney and got some papers from my counselor/psychologist... and start practicing my Spanish. I want to better my Spanish as much as possible so I can say some mean shit to this bastard in his native tongue... not that I really have a choice considering they don't let me have a translator, but whatever. Last time I at least got to have one in the room just in case I really couldn't think of a word... but this time there is no one. I am scared to death. If anyone wants to practice Spanish with me, please, please please! :)

Hmm... what was this post? Something to distract me from all the things making me sad and to help me escape from thinking about some really sad things? Yeah, it was that. I don't want to stop writing, because then I will just lay in bed and thinking about how sad I am about tonight and Mexico and so many other things that one could never justify and properly explain in a stupid little blog like mine.

I feel like my words have become worthless lately and as if I have become incapable and writing anything deep, meaningful, beautiful or even just nice to read.

Guess I used up all of my energy a few months ago writing practically a novel for a young man that I never sent and never will(oh, maybe someday...in like 10 years...don't freak)! hahahah :) that's ok though.

Your silence says the most.

That was all getting old and tiring. I'm ready to get this little blog back to what I originally had intended it for — to share my thoughts, ideas, anecdotes and little poems with the world — not use it to foolishly communicate with someone who doesn't even care that I was hurting about something. And I gave one last attempt at letting that person say something, anything, to me to ease the pain a little, and that didn't happen. Fine, it's fine. I would have preferred any reaction to this, but what can you do? I took a risk, I took it too late and I did it in a really stupid and pathetic way unlike I ever imagined I would. But, as I thought about it this weekend...I wondered what the hell I was thinking? After realizing how unimportant I am to this person, it made me wonder why I cared so long and so much. So I am going to stop. And it made me really want to go for it with this new person... and my most recent little date was absolutely beautiful, because I let go for an evening and stopped being so scared.

Anyway. Whatever. That's just some random ramblings. I deleted a LOT of my old posts. There were about 50, and I've gone down to 16. I just didn't want to live in the past. I deleted a lot of the posts where all I did was complain. I deleted most of the posts where all I did was try to slyly deal with my emotions toward a certain person. And for a while, I think I might try to force myself to stay away from writing about love and relationships. That's boring and gets my writing stuck in a rut, because that is what I always write/complain about and that is always what everyone writes about.

So here's to a new blog — a new way of thinking — a new love — a new Frilz.
I'm excited to see where this goes, and even if you are upset with me for my confessions, I hope you stay along for the journey.

Let's Go to Ohio

These past few days of my life have been a stellar reminder of all the amazing things there are in the world for me, and everyone else, to live for. They also have been a reminder that a new time in my life is upon me and a reminder that soon more people I love will go away, but they will never be forgotten or replaced — but there will be new people and new memories to build upon past ones.

When I love someone, I sometimes wonder if I really truly love only them as a person — or if I am in love with everything surrounding my memories of that person. It is as if I am not only in love with a human being, but I am more-so in love with a time and a place — in love with moments and photos and shared sunsets and late night swims.

And I think that is why it is so hard to stop loving someone. Not just because they are this great person, but because they were there for so many cherished moments of your life. Maybe to others those moments seem so insignificant, but so many small moments of my life stay with me forever and shape me.

My earliest memory is of a two or three-year-old Erika eating a hot dog and sitting in a shopping cart with my mom at the grocery store. It is the first thing I remember from my beginning days on this planet. Sometimes I wonder why that? I think, as silly as it sounds, it was the happiest I had been yet in my life. There were so many colors everywhere and so many people. I remember pointing to the food stand and showing my mother that I wanted the hot dog... and she gave it to me on the condition that I gave her a kiss. And I felt loved. And all of these colors whirling around me as I sat there in that shopping cart, eating delicious food, feeling what love is for the first time... to such a young person, a kiss and getting what you want does seem like love. I did not really know what was happening yet, but I had just begun my first adventure of love in life... with my mother. This was the first piece of a giant puzzle of memories making up two people's love for each other, and it can't be completed until we have both been taken from this earth.

It takes a long time to build those first relationships of love. But once I learned how to love and how good it felt to be loved back, all I have tried to do my entire life is to love without fear of consequence, to love without regret, to love without thinking about the fact that I will get hurt. The thing is, all I have been is hurt and hurt again in these past couple of years, and the past month, for the first time ever, I regretted giving and showing so much love to people that, for a while, I did not think deserved it...

But in the past few days, I have changed my mind. Anyone and everyone deserves to be loved, no matter what... and whether they show love in return or not, whether or not they show any gratitude for you loving them, it does affect them and it does change them... even the stubborn ones who will not admit to any such idea!

But now, I have just one problem. And to share it, or not to share it, that is my dilemma. And I think I have decided not to. Yes, a person deserves to be loved, but some people do not deserve to know everything. It might hurt them or it might hurt me, or both... or, even worse, I would say things I do not mean... and that is what I am most afraid of right now. Because I do that sometimes. I spend all of this time pouring out my soul onto those crisp white pages, wet in my tears by the end of the writing, and then re-read it a week later, and wonder how I could have possibly written that or felt that way... right now I feel like I am more so in love with a time in my life and in love with memories and not any person in particular. I need to just make myself feel convinced of that 24/7, and stop becoming so nostalgic all of the time.

It is time for new memories and new moments. I was excited at first, but now I am scared. I am scared of everything and I am scared to love more people who in the end just go away.

This weekend was the perfect ending to a less-than-perfect summer (although wonderful) and a perfect beginning to a new year. There was a lot of new — meeting all the new internationals, mini-party, having some old internationals over intermingled with the new, having old friends meet me in new places, going to a concert in Omaha with one of my besties and experiencing some of the really old times... Then a wonderful, beautiful, gorgeous Sunday spent with two people I adore.
And one of these little ladies is going back to a place she once loved and must learn to love again.

Sometimes I am bad at expressing how I feel for a person out-loud, face-to-face... especially when it is someone who makes m laugh more than anyone else in the entire world... so sometimes I have to be a lame ass and write out what I feel.

Katelyn, Kate, Katinka, Dollar Bill Andy...

It started out simple enough. Innocent discussions about fashion trends that are simply "UGGly"... then you went off to college and I'm sure we rarely thought of each other. Then one day, I was walking around the UNL campus and there you were in your curly-haired glory, whizzing towards me on your inline skates.




God, I love you and the fact that we can inline skate together and not care that everyone makes fun of us.



Anyway, this small bud of friendship was nurtured and cared for so well throughout the past year, and it has now turned into a beautiful hibiscus... or perhaps a large colorful chrysanthemum or a water lily... no, not even that. I have a better analogy. Or little tiny seed of friendship has not only blossomed into a wonderful corn dog scented flower, but we have spawned an entire garden together. The sunken gardens? It may say it was created in 1931 by men who needed jobs during the greatest financial depression Nebraska had ever seen, but that is a lie. It began when we met in 2000 something... ahahahah

I remember when you thought I was a freak though.


But we can move on from that, because now our Garden of Love is so huge.

It was so nice eating Kookaburra and corn dogs and drinking wine and tea and having you feed me Ched R Peppers.

I really hope that we can go inline skating on the trails in Lincoln sometime soon and go to the Zoo, and then afterwards, I'll take you to Arby's for the best Jalapeños you'll ever put in your mouth.

Today I watched a documentary called, "The Hunt for the Wild Penipede". They obviously don't know much about penipedes if they can't find one. They began their hunt in the Amazon. That's the last place the penipede would be, and you and I both know that.

Anyway

I love you. A lot! For Real. Yo style, yo shoes, yo curly lil hairs, yo pet penipede, our sexXxy times togetha... I love your laugh... and the way you look at me from across the room when you don't think I know you're staring at me... hahahahahah

Thanks for being there for me. Probably more than anyone else this summer. Let's hang out on Skype like every night, so we will never feel like we are apart... and we can blast Carry Me Ohio while you get attacked by a bat.

Don't ever forget about our midnight romp through Querétaro either. Spicy tacos!!!!!!!!




KATE>>>>>>>>>...>>>..

leT's get ready for some Oma-Linc adventure times with Rebecca/Mary @ the Well. I'm really glad we befriended her yesterday. She's great! So hilarious, too.



p.s. supposedly, carry me ohio is about suicide. i don't like that. i like what i think it is about in my head.