Let's Go to Ohio

These past few days of my life have been a stellar reminder of all the amazing things there are in the world for me, and everyone else, to live for. They also have been a reminder that a new time in my life is upon me and a reminder that soon more people I love will go away, but they will never be forgotten or replaced — but there will be new people and new memories to build upon past ones.

When I love someone, I sometimes wonder if I really truly love only them as a person — or if I am in love with everything surrounding my memories of that person. It is as if I am not only in love with a human being, but I am more-so in love with a time and a place — in love with moments and photos and shared sunsets and late night swims.

And I think that is why it is so hard to stop loving someone. Not just because they are this great person, but because they were there for so many cherished moments of your life. Maybe to others those moments seem so insignificant, but so many small moments of my life stay with me forever and shape me.

My earliest memory is of a two or three-year-old Erika eating a hot dog and sitting in a shopping cart with my mom at the grocery store. It is the first thing I remember from my beginning days on this planet. Sometimes I wonder why that? I think, as silly as it sounds, it was the happiest I had been yet in my life. There were so many colors everywhere and so many people. I remember pointing to the food stand and showing my mother that I wanted the hot dog... and she gave it to me on the condition that I gave her a kiss. And I felt loved. And all of these colors whirling around me as I sat there in that shopping cart, eating delicious food, feeling what love is for the first time... to such a young person, a kiss and getting what you want does seem like love. I did not really know what was happening yet, but I had just begun my first adventure of love in life... with my mother. This was the first piece of a giant puzzle of memories making up two people's love for each other, and it can't be completed until we have both been taken from this earth.

It takes a long time to build those first relationships of love. But once I learned how to love and how good it felt to be loved back, all I have tried to do my entire life is to love without fear of consequence, to love without regret, to love without thinking about the fact that I will get hurt. The thing is, all I have been is hurt and hurt again in these past couple of years, and the past month, for the first time ever, I regretted giving and showing so much love to people that, for a while, I did not think deserved it...

But in the past few days, I have changed my mind. Anyone and everyone deserves to be loved, no matter what... and whether they show love in return or not, whether or not they show any gratitude for you loving them, it does affect them and it does change them... even the stubborn ones who will not admit to any such idea!

But now, I have just one problem. And to share it, or not to share it, that is my dilemma. And I think I have decided not to. Yes, a person deserves to be loved, but some people do not deserve to know everything. It might hurt them or it might hurt me, or both... or, even worse, I would say things I do not mean... and that is what I am most afraid of right now. Because I do that sometimes. I spend all of this time pouring out my soul onto those crisp white pages, wet in my tears by the end of the writing, and then re-read it a week later, and wonder how I could have possibly written that or felt that way... right now I feel like I am more so in love with a time in my life and in love with memories and not any person in particular. I need to just make myself feel convinced of that 24/7, and stop becoming so nostalgic all of the time.

It is time for new memories and new moments. I was excited at first, but now I am scared. I am scared of everything and I am scared to love more people who in the end just go away.

This weekend was the perfect ending to a less-than-perfect summer (although wonderful) and a perfect beginning to a new year. There was a lot of new — meeting all the new internationals, mini-party, having some old internationals over intermingled with the new, having old friends meet me in new places, going to a concert in Omaha with one of my besties and experiencing some of the really old times... Then a wonderful, beautiful, gorgeous Sunday spent with two people I adore.
And one of these little ladies is going back to a place she once loved and must learn to love again.

Sometimes I am bad at expressing how I feel for a person out-loud, face-to-face... especially when it is someone who makes m laugh more than anyone else in the entire world... so sometimes I have to be a lame ass and write out what I feel.

Katelyn, Kate, Katinka, Dollar Bill Andy...

It started out simple enough. Innocent discussions about fashion trends that are simply "UGGly"... then you went off to college and I'm sure we rarely thought of each other. Then one day, I was walking around the UNL campus and there you were in your curly-haired glory, whizzing towards me on your inline skates.




God, I love you and the fact that we can inline skate together and not care that everyone makes fun of us.



Anyway, this small bud of friendship was nurtured and cared for so well throughout the past year, and it has now turned into a beautiful hibiscus... or perhaps a large colorful chrysanthemum or a water lily... no, not even that. I have a better analogy. Or little tiny seed of friendship has not only blossomed into a wonderful corn dog scented flower, but we have spawned an entire garden together. The sunken gardens? It may say it was created in 1931 by men who needed jobs during the greatest financial depression Nebraska had ever seen, but that is a lie. It began when we met in 2000 something... ahahahah

I remember when you thought I was a freak though.


But we can move on from that, because now our Garden of Love is so huge.

It was so nice eating Kookaburra and corn dogs and drinking wine and tea and having you feed me Ched R Peppers.

I really hope that we can go inline skating on the trails in Lincoln sometime soon and go to the Zoo, and then afterwards, I'll take you to Arby's for the best Jalapeños you'll ever put in your mouth.

Today I watched a documentary called, "The Hunt for the Wild Penipede". They obviously don't know much about penipedes if they can't find one. They began their hunt in the Amazon. That's the last place the penipede would be, and you and I both know that.

Anyway

I love you. A lot! For Real. Yo style, yo shoes, yo curly lil hairs, yo pet penipede, our sexXxy times togetha... I love your laugh... and the way you look at me from across the room when you don't think I know you're staring at me... hahahahahah

Thanks for being there for me. Probably more than anyone else this summer. Let's hang out on Skype like every night, so we will never feel like we are apart... and we can blast Carry Me Ohio while you get attacked by a bat.

Don't ever forget about our midnight romp through Querétaro either. Spicy tacos!!!!!!!!




KATE>>>>>>>>>...>>>..

leT's get ready for some Oma-Linc adventure times with Rebecca/Mary @ the Well. I'm really glad we befriended her yesterday. She's great! So hilarious, too.



p.s. supposedly, carry me ohio is about suicide. i don't like that. i like what i think it is about in my head.