I didn't want that candy or the stupid ring.
I don't like any of those things. If you would have ever just listened to me, you would have known that.
But you are a selfish little cricket!!!
You never really listen to me, and somehow always find a way to bring the conversation back to yourself.
All things done at your convenience.
Everything else about you seems so magnificent, but as with all epic heros, you have a tragic flaw.
What causes me to be so dismal is that your fatal flaw happens to be one of the worst tragic flaws of all!
How can a hero be a hero if he or she is always thinking of him or herself?
I could stand no where near you when it comes to characteristics that would define one as a "hero", and I am in no way trying to praise myself...
But what a multitude of things I did for you!!!!! And I did them with little love, respect, gratitude or reciprocation of any sort!!!!!!
And I continue to do these things with the same casual, almost rude, response.
I didn't even need tangible reciprocation, that wasn't ever what I asked for. In fact, I don't believe I ever asked anything of you, save small favors that also had some benefit in them for YOURSELF.
All I wanted was a, "Hey, you are really great and good to me. I appreciate that so much. Thank you, 'ka!"
or a...
"Hey, let me buy dinner tonight since you are always doing so much."
::Sigh::
I hate when people who read my blog try to figure out who/what I am talking about, and I am not going to let that ever happen. I hate putting names on blogs, I hate divulging info like that about my life to people who shouldn't know those things... and thirdly....
perhaps that's all hypothetical, or perhaps it's to multiple people who i feel that way about.... or maybe it IS just about one person who i think that about.........
lots of maybes, but a sure-fire fact is that you will never know what I mean... and when I look back on this in 20 years, I will probably not know what I meant either.
------------------------
Enough of that. It was just an insignificant rant that most likely does not pertain to you at all, but it needed to be set free from the heavy bondage it placed in my rapidly-beating heart.
------------------------
I began writing this to/about a friend yesterday, and I would like to continue that here.
------------------------
Here it goes.....
------------------------
One night as I went to sleep, I dreamt of a gorgeous, but elusive, young lady.
In every hauntingly beautiful scene of my dream, she would appear.
In the daytime, the light from the sun would cast exotic shadows on to fields of Gerber daisies through the multiple-layered sheer frock she wore — it clung to her tiny body as she danced, oh, so delicately, around the earth.
In the hours of the late night, her fragile silhouette would be project onto the moon as she quietly waltzed around the enchanted forest of inverness, leaving behind her trails of ripe raspberries and satin sparkles.
At one point in this heavenly dream, 'twas nearing dawn, but most of the darkness of night was still upon us. A cool, fresh mist was in the air, and you could feel that the sun would soon peak one of its rays out over the horizon.
I was on my way back to the village from visiting my dear friend, Monsieur DeuFaulde, and decided to take the scenic route home through said enchanted forest...
This evening was different from other evenings with M. DeuFaulde, and how difficult it was proving to hold back the pain and tears! And how ironic it was that, in my time of sorrow, I would happen to come upon a tree that went along with my attitude so well — especially as it was a tree uncommon to the part of the world in which I was traveling. I was sort of nomad at the time.
I stopped momentarily near the weeping willow — a willow so weepy in fact, that its branches were sweeping the soft, dark ground.
I looked to the North-East at the young luminescent moon for comfort.....
joy of joys, it is time for bed!
more later! AHHH!!! bet you can't wait ;)
17.5.08
Never the Same
Nothing is the same here in Omaha.
Nothing is the same in Lincoln.
The two cities I have gone back and forth from, calling each of them home for years, have become so unfamiliar and strange — especially Omaha.
Omaha contains memories of a past me, a me that I will never be again. When I am here, I feel like I am forcing myself back into a time and place that I don't fit in or belong in anymore.
It's weird to see all these people whose lives you were once such a large part of — yet, while you were busy with your own schedule, their lives went on as well. You missed so much that it's hard to become a part of their life again, it's hard to fully understand where the other has been, and it's hard to overcome the new differences.
Whenever I am here in Omaha, every place I go and every person I meet up with screams of my past...
I love my past, and I love these people and places, but the feeling is not the same. None of us, none of these places, are really the same. Even a short year can change things so much...
A year has allowed me to make Lincoln my new home. No longer do I feel like I belong in Omaha mostly, but I feel as if I am a true Lincolnite....
But now so many of my friends that I made this year in Lincoln are gone.
Transferring to different schools, moving back to Omaha, or many exchange students who have returned to their homelands — leaving Erika, a poor, pathetic mess of a girl.
Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of friends left at Lincoln, but things just won't be the same as they were this past school year.... especially the last semester....
It seems every time I get really comfortable and start to love where I am, everything changes and I have to readjust.
Maybe that's a good thing....then I can never get too comfortable, and I appreciate what I have when I have it.
Everything is still so strange to me though.
I had an appointment at the University Health Center on Tuesday. Instead of driving to U St. and parking, my instinct drove me to S Street where Selleck is. I got out of my car, and I began to walk to Selleck...then I thought to myself, "Where are you going? The Health Center is the other way."
What a depressing moment.
My mind took me to the Health Center...but my heart is at Selleck!
Whatever.
All of this is hurting my little heart more than I thought it would...
but only some days..... somedays suck and I am quite depressed. Other days, I am so glad and think things definitely worked out for the better. Obviously, today is one of those nostalgic days.
I feel so pathetic as usual...
There are like 2 people who read this regularly.....
And they are kind of awkward people.
awkward because it's weird for certain relatives to read this and think that I am super emo and never happy and complain all the time......
and awkward because I often elude(d) to things and feelings about another person who supposedly reads this with some frequency.
So, hello...........
I am not emo. I do not complain like this on a daily basis....
It's just my blog, and whenever I want to write my feelings, it's usually when I am in a bad mood and need to vent!
When I am joyous (most of the time!!) I portray my ecstasy verbally and through my actions.
I got my lip cyst removed Thursday. Delicioso!
It was the grossest experience of my life.
I sat in this uncomfortable chair with two doctors pulling my lips...
Then Dr. Olson sprayed this nasty numbing disinfectant spray on my lips...then he shot me with enough novocain to numb my entire freaking face.
As soon as that was settled, the weird Indian nurse lady set out a bunch of weird surgical tools and like 300 different kinds of scissors...and lots and lots and lots of gauze to stop the bleeding and large accumulation of bloody saliva that would surely build up throughout this surgery.
Then Dr. Olson pick up this knife and slices my lip open and just starts jabbing around. "Oh, wow! This thing is the size of a marble! We'll have to send this to the lab to be sure it's not malignant."
Me in my head: "Thank you for not freaking me out while I am awake watching my lip being cut open"
He pried around for such a long time. And all I could see out of the corners of my eyes were 4 really bloody latex gloves, part of my lip, lots and lots of bloody gauze, lots of surgical tools, and bloody scissors.
Dr. Olson started snipping out the cyst... "These scissors are too dull... nurse, get me some different ones" so she gives him some more.... still not working that well... so he decides he should try burning off the cyst.... with this like really heated mini-knife thing....
So I have the taste blood in my mouth, I am watching my mouth be cut open, I can see tons and tons of blood... and then along with it, I get to smell my own flesh burning. Wonderful.
He finally got the cyst out...and he just set it down like a cute little puppy or something on the table for the surgical tools... so the entire time he is stitching me up, I had to look directly at my marble-sized lip cyst, covered in blood. Absolutely, positively, wonderfully disgusting.
Having your lips sewed/stitched is a really weird feeling.
Anyway.......
I thought the surgery wouldn't be that big of a deal, but it hurt so badly after the novocain wore off.... I slept off and on from 2:30 p.m. until 9 a.m. Yeah....
that song "no air" just came on my itunes, which is on shuffle.....
ahaha
and you know who that reminds me of.
que triste!
Is it strange that Heartbeats by José Gonzáles can make me cry?
I can't wait to be in Mexico for 7 weeks.
Get me away from this place and from these people.
I also cannot wait for school to start again, so I can start working and planning for my second semester in FRANCE...and then my SUMMER in EUROPE!!!!!
When I will get to visit all of my loves — whom I already miss so dearly.
Nothing is the same in Lincoln.
The two cities I have gone back and forth from, calling each of them home for years, have become so unfamiliar and strange — especially Omaha.
Omaha contains memories of a past me, a me that I will never be again. When I am here, I feel like I am forcing myself back into a time and place that I don't fit in or belong in anymore.
It's weird to see all these people whose lives you were once such a large part of — yet, while you were busy with your own schedule, their lives went on as well. You missed so much that it's hard to become a part of their life again, it's hard to fully understand where the other has been, and it's hard to overcome the new differences.
Whenever I am here in Omaha, every place I go and every person I meet up with screams of my past...
I love my past, and I love these people and places, but the feeling is not the same. None of us, none of these places, are really the same. Even a short year can change things so much...
A year has allowed me to make Lincoln my new home. No longer do I feel like I belong in Omaha mostly, but I feel as if I am a true Lincolnite....
But now so many of my friends that I made this year in Lincoln are gone.
Transferring to different schools, moving back to Omaha, or many exchange students who have returned to their homelands — leaving Erika, a poor, pathetic mess of a girl.
Don't get me wrong, I have plenty of friends left at Lincoln, but things just won't be the same as they were this past school year.... especially the last semester....
It seems every time I get really comfortable and start to love where I am, everything changes and I have to readjust.
Maybe that's a good thing....then I can never get too comfortable, and I appreciate what I have when I have it.
Everything is still so strange to me though.
I had an appointment at the University Health Center on Tuesday. Instead of driving to U St. and parking, my instinct drove me to S Street where Selleck is. I got out of my car, and I began to walk to Selleck...then I thought to myself, "Where are you going? The Health Center is the other way."
What a depressing moment.
My mind took me to the Health Center...but my heart is at Selleck!
Whatever.
All of this is hurting my little heart more than I thought it would...
but only some days..... somedays suck and I am quite depressed. Other days, I am so glad and think things definitely worked out for the better. Obviously, today is one of those nostalgic days.
I feel so pathetic as usual...
There are like 2 people who read this regularly.....
And they are kind of awkward people.
awkward because it's weird for certain relatives to read this and think that I am super emo and never happy and complain all the time......
and awkward because I often elude(d) to things and feelings about another person who supposedly reads this with some frequency.
So, hello...........
I am not emo. I do not complain like this on a daily basis....
It's just my blog, and whenever I want to write my feelings, it's usually when I am in a bad mood and need to vent!
When I am joyous (most of the time!!) I portray my ecstasy verbally and through my actions.
I got my lip cyst removed Thursday. Delicioso!
It was the grossest experience of my life.
I sat in this uncomfortable chair with two doctors pulling my lips...
Then Dr. Olson sprayed this nasty numbing disinfectant spray on my lips...then he shot me with enough novocain to numb my entire freaking face.
As soon as that was settled, the weird Indian nurse lady set out a bunch of weird surgical tools and like 300 different kinds of scissors...and lots and lots and lots of gauze to stop the bleeding and large accumulation of bloody saliva that would surely build up throughout this surgery.
Then Dr. Olson pick up this knife and slices my lip open and just starts jabbing around. "Oh, wow! This thing is the size of a marble! We'll have to send this to the lab to be sure it's not malignant."
Me in my head: "Thank you for not freaking me out while I am awake watching my lip being cut open"
He pried around for such a long time. And all I could see out of the corners of my eyes were 4 really bloody latex gloves, part of my lip, lots and lots of bloody gauze, lots of surgical tools, and bloody scissors.
Dr. Olson started snipping out the cyst... "These scissors are too dull... nurse, get me some different ones" so she gives him some more.... still not working that well... so he decides he should try burning off the cyst.... with this like really heated mini-knife thing....
So I have the taste blood in my mouth, I am watching my mouth be cut open, I can see tons and tons of blood... and then along with it, I get to smell my own flesh burning. Wonderful.
He finally got the cyst out...and he just set it down like a cute little puppy or something on the table for the surgical tools... so the entire time he is stitching me up, I had to look directly at my marble-sized lip cyst, covered in blood. Absolutely, positively, wonderfully disgusting.
Having your lips sewed/stitched is a really weird feeling.
Anyway.......
I thought the surgery wouldn't be that big of a deal, but it hurt so badly after the novocain wore off.... I slept off and on from 2:30 p.m. until 9 a.m. Yeah....
that song "no air" just came on my itunes, which is on shuffle.....
ahaha
and you know who that reminds me of.
que triste!
Is it strange that Heartbeats by José Gonzáles can make me cry?
I can't wait to be in Mexico for 7 weeks.
Get me away from this place and from these people.
I also cannot wait for school to start again, so I can start working and planning for my second semester in FRANCE...and then my SUMMER in EUROPE!!!!!
When I will get to visit all of my loves — whom I already miss so dearly.
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