I decided today to not let it matter

I decided to let it disintegrate...to turn into nothing...to turn into what it was in the first place, or what it should have been — I'm not sure.

Sometimes I wonder how satisfying it must be to read these words that I spill out... when I write about someone and they know it's about them...

Sometimes I want to erase this entire blog and start over... not just this entry, but this whole little site, and keep all my thoughts private...but I have all of these strange thoughts, and I like to get other's input or put my thoughts out there... but without sharing too much of who or what I am talking about, and this sometimes makes things difficult...

I need to make myself vulnerable. I need to be willing to get so incredibly hurt if I put everything out there. But once I experience all that hurt, then all I can do is get better from there. Once the bullet goes completely through the heart, you either give up and die, or you're a fighter and you slowly recover. I've always been a fighter.

I start to put things on here... but — I choke, I erase, and I hide a lot of things that are really affecting me right now. Part of me just wants to scream it, but there's this huge part of me holding back, because I just want to hold on to this fake idea I have in my head... because that's so much nicer than facing what I secretly know is a reality.

And the thing is, no one cares, especially who I would want to care. The last thing they would want to do is be bothered with this. His/her life is all figured out... and mine is one huge tangled up mess... but once this huge mess of mine is unraveled, I know it will turn out beautiful, I just have some knots to undo and some wrinkles to iron out.

I wonder if in any way I did what I felt like I did. If I really made someone think certain things. If I could change someone's life. Could I do that? Did I do that? Or Will I do that? Does that make sense? No, not at all. Not to anyone, just me.

Why must I be so vague? I wish it weren't so.

I have been also waiting all day for a phone call. From my attorney, from my group leaders, my host mom in Mexico... anyone... someone to tell me what is going on in my life... someone to tell me if I really, truly have to go back to Mexico...

I've been let down by so many people I trusted lately. In fact, nearly every person I ever placed any trust in has let me down. Actually, there are about two people in my life who haven't broken my trust lately...

I feel kind of alone...like the world is swirling around me and passing me by.
When I found out I probably have to go back to Mexico today, it ruined my entire day. Instead of having the fabulous day I had planned, for the first time in longer than I can remember, I sat and watched crappy, crappy American television all day.

I have this other problem with another person, too... He/she was one of my best friends... but there has been some awkwardness within our relationship... not primarily caused by me...but I am upset...but I am so bad at telling people that I am upset.

I don't know how to tell anyone NO. Especially if I love them... and I love and trust most people, no matter how much they hurt me.

I rarely give up on anyone. But I so very much must learn to stand up for myself. I must learn to say no, I must learn that I will sometimes have to let other people down to make things better in the end... and I must learn that other people do NOT always come first... that sometimes you do have to look out for yourself... and I am trying so hard to do that...

But when I love someone, I jump over the moon for them. I go broke for them. I skip class for them. I run their errands. I act as a lackey... I act as a friend... or a chef, or a maid... whatever. I will do whatever I think needs to be done to prove my love and to keep that friendship or that relationship or that love alive.

The thing is, while admirable as that is, it is rarely the best thing for me to do... especially since most of the people I do those things for, would not do quite the same for me in return... which is sad, but not unexpected.

That sounds like I am complaining... but unless you really know me, and how devoted and how much I do for someone I love, then that makes no sense. I know people love me back, and I know I am one of the most blessed girls in the entire world. God has done so much for me, and my life is so great. Every obstacle has done nothing but make me stronger.


This post was all over the place... I suppose I was just doing some spring cleaning of the brain.

P.S.
Today I almost took a framed photo and threw it through the window. I stopped myself. I almost wish I would have done it though... it would have been so unlike me and completely unexpected... and considering everything I've been through... I don't think anyone would have scolded me in the necessary way... so it could have been great.

I bet you're wondering which photograph? which window? It's probably not what you imagine. I think you'd be surprised. So sentimental, yet so much hidden anger! hahahah

I didn't really do it though.