Embarrassing stream of consciousness writing...

However cliché the saying may be, I cannot help but to relate: the people who you love the most are the ones who hurt you the most.

Time and time and time and time again this has been proved to me. And time and time again I find myself in the same situations and making the same old stupid decisions and loving and trusting and getting wounded and hurt.

I think that is why I have trouble forming really strong, emotional bonds with people, even family... because whenever I do invest my all, my everything — all my love, all my care, all of me — into someone, I often get shit in return.

Not that love should ever be about giving and getting back. Nothing makes me happier than to give and to make others happy. But I just want friendship in return... How can one be a friend to someone who is not a friend back? It's not really possible...

Not that I do not have good friends. But everyone good goes away, everything nice passes... and I'm stuck dealing with the shit that my "loved" ones left behind for me.




The thing is...all I ever wanted, all I ever asked for was to be your friend. Nothing more... and you can't even give me that. You point out my flaws, fail to ever say, "thank you", you make me feel ugly and worthless sometimes. So why do I even bother? Why did I bother? And all this doesn't just go for you...
It just might happen to go for you and you and you and you and you and yeah, maybe even YOU over there in the corner.

I care(d) about your so much! and what was all of this? You felt obligated to do this one thing for me... because I was so nice to you and did you all of those favors... but that friendship... the friendship I long for and the friendship I asked for...you could care less about that, right? This girl, who was there for you, this girl who tried to pick you up and make you feel better and pick up the pieces when you were hurting, this girl who sacrificed to give you a lot, this girl who was honest and up front with you and told you all of these wonderful things...this girl needed you and you weren't there. You would rather be with her and her and her and him and him and her and her. You would rather be there or there or that place or there with her... never here with me unless it's something of obligation, right?

You sit there across from me with those stupid headphones in your ears. I talk to you, you act like you hear, but you don't listen. You may know that my birthday is January 17, 1989, but you don't know the real girl who came out of the womb that day. I thought you were trying... but you weren't at all.

Selfish, selfish, selfish, just like everyone else who has done this to me.

Used, used, used, used... Me, me, me, me, used, used, used... over and over again.

and by YOU of all people!!! I always know in the back of my head that it was possible, but you are so timid, so shy, so smart, so seemingly sweet and innocent, I never thought it could really be... but it is... and more than I could have ever imagined.

How wrong my first impression was.

You're not the only one going through a rough patch of life. I'm here, too... I thought we would be here for each other... but it's a one-sides thing, huh?

You get what you want from me on your watch, when you want it... and anything that I may want or need from you... well, it honestly doesn't matter... does it? Right, selfish, I already said that. But you don't get it. Maybe you really don't have emotions...

Because after what I said to you, I do not know how any normal human being could have treated me like this.

Thank you for proving that I am right in always expecting the worst — especially from human beings — especially from the people you love the most and for whom you would do absolutely anything...

and I really would have.

Had you told me to jump, I would have done it.