I think I was easily inspired by you and that's why I chose to write about my thoughts on you so much.

Now that that's done...

I am back here tonight in my bed alone... and it's only 1 a.m. It wasn't how the evening was supposed to end at all. I've been finding that lately I rarely get anything that I want, and in fact, I get in return what I want least of all.

I started thinking about that. Why? Is it because what I want is unreasonable and impossible? No, as a matter of fact, all the things I desire for my life right now are so practical. But what I want, is that what I need? Is that the way my life should actually be going? And if I don't get what I want, then it's not what I needed. I need to learn to accept that, and be HAPPY with that. I am so sick of being let down and not getting what I think I want and what I think I deserve, that lately I have felt like I don't deserve anything and have had no desire for anything.

I guess tonight I had expectations. And I got treated like shit, when I least expected it... But I said I wasn't going to write about my romantic life in here for a while. But I am sick of being treated like shit... by a lot of people in my life. And I am starting to learn who those people are, and also starting to realize who my real friends are. No more big parties trying to be everyone's friend. Those are fun like once every couple of months, but last year, every other weekend was too much. Even once a month is too much for me anymore.

I'm starting to realize that smaller groups and really getting to form connections with people are so much more important. I know why I have always been scared of that though, it's because I have been hurt and let down and had my trust broken... more than I think most people have. And for so long I have been scared of being hurt more and more...but if you don't run the risk of getting hurt, then you never get to feel the bliss of being loved and the bliss of having those strong connections with a friend.

The people I have been surrounding myself with lately are so great. I think that is the major thing I am so grateful for in my life right now. Sure, some relationships may be really torn up...someone close to me is in love with me and I don't feel the same way, I made a simple mistake & apologized... and my best friend and her mom still can't forgive me and they attacked me during the hardest time in my life, I have some kinks to work out in a couple other relationships, and I had an awkward "phone" call today (that I think ended pretty well! :D)...but those are all things that will fix themselves naturally and in time, and if they don't fix themselves, then the wounds will completely heal someday. In the meantime, I have never been happier socially, now that I am only spending quality time with the people I most want in my life and not pretending to be friends with people who only want to use me or are selfish, or whose friendship only benefits them and not me at all. A friendship should work both ways, and wanting to get some satisfaction and happiness out of a friendship is a completely realistic thing to ask. I believe if I can't see those qualities in someone, it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that we shouldn't be the best of friends.

I know that rant was kind of random, but I guess that's what I've been dealing with lately, and it's my blog.

So, Mexico. I think I'm going back. When I first found out... I didn't cry, but I think I got really upset in a strange way. I didn't sleep or eat or feel any emotions for like five days. I skipped a bunch of class and was a recluse and went into hiding almost...Then, I woke up today ready to face the world and this problem. I got a lot of my makeup work done, wrote an essay about Edward Gorey (fabulous!), I E-mailed my attorney and got some papers from my counselor/psychologist... and start practicing my Spanish. I want to better my Spanish as much as possible so I can say some mean shit to this bastard in his native tongue... not that I really have a choice considering they don't let me have a translator, but whatever. Last time I at least got to have one in the room just in case I really couldn't think of a word... but this time there is no one. I am scared to death. If anyone wants to practice Spanish with me, please, please please! :)

Hmm... what was this post? Something to distract me from all the things making me sad and to help me escape from thinking about some really sad things? Yeah, it was that. I don't want to stop writing, because then I will just lay in bed and thinking about how sad I am about tonight and Mexico and so many other things that one could never justify and properly explain in a stupid little blog like mine.

I feel like my words have become worthless lately and as if I have become incapable and writing anything deep, meaningful, beautiful or even just nice to read.

Guess I used up all of my energy a few months ago writing practically a novel for a young man that I never sent and never will(oh, maybe someday...in like 10 years...don't freak)! hahahah :) that's ok though.