Daddy, if you were here

Sometimes I forget the way you smelled. I forget the way you looked before you were sick. I forget your favorite food. I forget the size of your hands. I forget how much I loved you.

I did not used to do that. I used to lament your loss every day, but as each long day has gone on, as my life has gone on without you and as more and more tragedy and heartbreak has struck my life, it has eased the pain of one of the biggest losses of my life — comparable only to the loss of my innocence just months ago.

But when I sit down and really think about you, it's not so easy to forget. In fact, I remember every little detail. I remember the scent of your fresh cologne and Dial soap and Crew hair gel as you'd walk out into the living room freshly showered combing your hair and buckling your belt into the third hole. I remember sitting on the couch and watching you tie your brown leather shoes with ease. I remember your thick head of brown hair — hair that caused a lot of controversy! Controversy with you because you were always scared you were going bald. Controversy for me because with your and mom's dark hair, dark eyes and olive skin, I always had an inkling of a feeling that I must have been adopted. I think the thing I loved most about you though was your big rough hands — so calloused from your years of manual labor.

I remember when mom wouldn't allow us to have TV as a child. I remember our weekly retreats to the bookstore. I'd pick out three of four books high above a typical child's reading level and have them devoured in a matter of a few days. Sometimes you didn't really believe I had read all of them that quickly, but you'd buy me new ones when I asked anyway. My books were always about romance, fictional worlds and far away places. You'd often find some book about Aliens or wander off to the music section to pick out some classic rock CDs. Even then we were more alike than I think either one of us realized.

I have a real loyalty to my mother, and sometimes when I put you up on this pedestal, I hear her sometimes harsh words in the back of my head that make it harder for me. But no. I'm old enough to really think for myself now, and now I really know. I really know that we had so much in common and that so much of who I am today is because of you. I never appreciated it before. And sometimes I get so angry that you can't be here with me. Would I have made some of the mistakes that I've made if YOU would have been here?

Would some other tragedies I've experienced lately been easier if you were here? Oh, I'm sure. When my heart was broken by any number of males, would it have been easier to have my #1 man here to hold me and tell me that I am the most beautiful wonderful creature in the world? Oh, it would have been. And now I must just assume that you think all of these things as you look down on me from Heaven. Are you there? Are you watching me? What's it like, Dad? Are you proud? Or are you sickened? Sickened by all my mistakes, sickened by watching me do some of the same things you did, sickened by lack of motivation lately? Sickened by the way I give in so easily and the way I let other people use and take advantage of me? Sickened by the way I have slacked in the religious aspects of my life? Sickened by distance from the family? Sickened by the mess I've become? Sickened that I couldn't ever cry? Sickened that I stuff all of my huge emotions and problems into a little bottle that is already full and ready to bust?

Or can you be proud? Is it possible? Proud that I have learned from my mistakes? Proud that even though I have made some of the same mistakes as you, that they were all to a much lesser extent? Proud that although I had a period of un-motivation, that I picked up the pieces slowly and got my shit together? Proud that I am working on my personality and the way I deal with the people in my life who use me? Proud that I am learning to vocalize my distaste at the right times in a tasteful manner? Proud that I am trying to slowly get back to Bible study and go to church with mom? Proud that I am spending time with Grandma and have weekly dinners with mom and my new step-dad? Proud that I became a mess and am cleaning it up. Proud that just the other night, I laid on the kitchen floor and sobbed? Proud that right before my bottle of problems exploded, I took out the little ones, slowly, one by one, and started dealing with them like an adult?

God, I hope so. Because if you aren't up there proud of me and seeing everything I am going through and the great person I am trying to become, then I don't know who is. I don't think Mom understands...I love her more than anyone else in this world...but I don't know if she gets it, and I try to make her understand.

I told her that this year everything has changed. My whole life is different and nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same. I told her I was depressed because of that. I was crying out for her to listen to me and to help me. She just asked me "Why?" WHY?

WHY? Why do I do think everything in my life is different?

Who the heck AM I now? I've changed my major, I had two huge life-changing experiences this summer, I've changed my friends, I've changed so many of my goals in life and have been working to even change my personality. Nothing is the same and I do not know how else to explain that. It's not necessarily bad, it's just SCARY. I know I am changing most things for the better... but I am also entering unknown territory — completely unknown and I also don't recognize myself when I look in the mirror sometimes. Not that I dislike what I see, but I just am not sure who or what exactly I am turning into. All I know is that I am trying to change for the better... for the most part it is working and I like who I am becoming, but there is still a huge part of me who aches for that old me. The old carefree 16-year-old Erika... but that's the thing, you can't stay 16 forever and you have to learn to grow... and I think I am growing a lot. So quickly that it is confusing me and leaving me either too emotional to understand what I am feeling, or somewhat emotionless.

Ooh man... my head hurts. I think that's enough for tonight.

I'm not emo, although every single one of my blog posts screams that. This is where I vent about sad things though. When one is happy, they tend to live in that moment and not think about writing out his/her emotions. But when one is sad or upset, then that is the time to organize and look at the thoughts and figure things out. :)

Embarrassing stream of consciousness writing...

However cliché the saying may be, I cannot help but to relate: the people who you love the most are the ones who hurt you the most.

Time and time and time and time again this has been proved to me. And time and time again I find myself in the same situations and making the same old stupid decisions and loving and trusting and getting wounded and hurt.

I think that is why I have trouble forming really strong, emotional bonds with people, even family... because whenever I do invest my all, my everything — all my love, all my care, all of me — into someone, I often get shit in return.

Not that love should ever be about giving and getting back. Nothing makes me happier than to give and to make others happy. But I just want friendship in return... How can one be a friend to someone who is not a friend back? It's not really possible...

Not that I do not have good friends. But everyone good goes away, everything nice passes... and I'm stuck dealing with the shit that my "loved" ones left behind for me.




The thing is...all I ever wanted, all I ever asked for was to be your friend. Nothing more... and you can't even give me that. You point out my flaws, fail to ever say, "thank you", you make me feel ugly and worthless sometimes. So why do I even bother? Why did I bother? And all this doesn't just go for you...
It just might happen to go for you and you and you and you and you and yeah, maybe even YOU over there in the corner.

I care(d) about your so much! and what was all of this? You felt obligated to do this one thing for me... because I was so nice to you and did you all of those favors... but that friendship... the friendship I long for and the friendship I asked for...you could care less about that, right? This girl, who was there for you, this girl who tried to pick you up and make you feel better and pick up the pieces when you were hurting, this girl who sacrificed to give you a lot, this girl who was honest and up front with you and told you all of these wonderful things...this girl needed you and you weren't there. You would rather be with her and her and her and him and him and her and her. You would rather be there or there or that place or there with her... never here with me unless it's something of obligation, right?

You sit there across from me with those stupid headphones in your ears. I talk to you, you act like you hear, but you don't listen. You may know that my birthday is January 17, 1989, but you don't know the real girl who came out of the womb that day. I thought you were trying... but you weren't at all.

Selfish, selfish, selfish, just like everyone else who has done this to me.

Used, used, used, used... Me, me, me, me, used, used, used... over and over again.

and by YOU of all people!!! I always know in the back of my head that it was possible, but you are so timid, so shy, so smart, so seemingly sweet and innocent, I never thought it could really be... but it is... and more than I could have ever imagined.

How wrong my first impression was.

You're not the only one going through a rough patch of life. I'm here, too... I thought we would be here for each other... but it's a one-sides thing, huh?

You get what you want from me on your watch, when you want it... and anything that I may want or need from you... well, it honestly doesn't matter... does it? Right, selfish, I already said that. But you don't get it. Maybe you really don't have emotions...

Because after what I said to you, I do not know how any normal human being could have treated me like this.

Thank you for proving that I am right in always expecting the worst — especially from human beings — especially from the people you love the most and for whom you would do absolutely anything...

and I really would have.

Had you told me to jump, I would have done it.

Bueno...

Something really scary happened to you the other day. I didn't know what to do... and in that moment, something flashed before my eyes and I thought about a world without you... and I realized, I had been taking you for granted, and I'm sorry.

And I told you that today... and I am so glad I did. For once I wrote a long letter and for once it got delivered... and it got such an amazing response. I have never been happier...

And lately, I think I have been doing a better job of just being blunt with my emotions. Even if it means writing it out and hiding under the covers while someone reads a letter I wrote them — it's better than keeping silent and not saying anything at all...

The thing is, for some reason I thought you would be upset after you read what I had to say to you, but you felt so many emotions toward me — none of which I think were bad at all. And you were so sweet to me.

I guess I am proud of myself for doing something I've never had the balls to do before... and I am so glad it was with you because you treated me so well and I knew it would never warp the way you think of me — at least in bad way — but I think it DID change the way you think of me — for the better! This is all proof that I need to be more willing to take risks and more willing to put my feelings out there right away instead of waiting centuries...

Because, as the other night proved, if you don't tell someone how you feel (about love or a fight or just anything with any relationship, romantic or non-romantic), you could regret it — his/her/your life could slip away in a second when you least expect it... and I am so glad you are still here and that you are ok. :D I can't wait to see where this all goes and I am so happy you are here.

I think I was easily inspired by you and that's why I chose to write about my thoughts on you so much.

Now that that's done...

I am back here tonight in my bed alone... and it's only 1 a.m. It wasn't how the evening was supposed to end at all. I've been finding that lately I rarely get anything that I want, and in fact, I get in return what I want least of all.

I started thinking about that. Why? Is it because what I want is unreasonable and impossible? No, as a matter of fact, all the things I desire for my life right now are so practical. But what I want, is that what I need? Is that the way my life should actually be going? And if I don't get what I want, then it's not what I needed. I need to learn to accept that, and be HAPPY with that. I am so sick of being let down and not getting what I think I want and what I think I deserve, that lately I have felt like I don't deserve anything and have had no desire for anything.

I guess tonight I had expectations. And I got treated like shit, when I least expected it... But I said I wasn't going to write about my romantic life in here for a while. But I am sick of being treated like shit... by a lot of people in my life. And I am starting to learn who those people are, and also starting to realize who my real friends are. No more big parties trying to be everyone's friend. Those are fun like once every couple of months, but last year, every other weekend was too much. Even once a month is too much for me anymore.

I'm starting to realize that smaller groups and really getting to form connections with people are so much more important. I know why I have always been scared of that though, it's because I have been hurt and let down and had my trust broken... more than I think most people have. And for so long I have been scared of being hurt more and more...but if you don't run the risk of getting hurt, then you never get to feel the bliss of being loved and the bliss of having those strong connections with a friend.

The people I have been surrounding myself with lately are so great. I think that is the major thing I am so grateful for in my life right now. Sure, some relationships may be really torn up...someone close to me is in love with me and I don't feel the same way, I made a simple mistake & apologized... and my best friend and her mom still can't forgive me and they attacked me during the hardest time in my life, I have some kinks to work out in a couple other relationships, and I had an awkward "phone" call today (that I think ended pretty well! :D)...but those are all things that will fix themselves naturally and in time, and if they don't fix themselves, then the wounds will completely heal someday. In the meantime, I have never been happier socially, now that I am only spending quality time with the people I most want in my life and not pretending to be friends with people who only want to use me or are selfish, or whose friendship only benefits them and not me at all. A friendship should work both ways, and wanting to get some satisfaction and happiness out of a friendship is a completely realistic thing to ask. I believe if I can't see those qualities in someone, it doesn't mean that they are a bad person, it just means that we shouldn't be the best of friends.

I know that rant was kind of random, but I guess that's what I've been dealing with lately, and it's my blog.

So, Mexico. I think I'm going back. When I first found out... I didn't cry, but I think I got really upset in a strange way. I didn't sleep or eat or feel any emotions for like five days. I skipped a bunch of class and was a recluse and went into hiding almost...Then, I woke up today ready to face the world and this problem. I got a lot of my makeup work done, wrote an essay about Edward Gorey (fabulous!), I E-mailed my attorney and got some papers from my counselor/psychologist... and start practicing my Spanish. I want to better my Spanish as much as possible so I can say some mean shit to this bastard in his native tongue... not that I really have a choice considering they don't let me have a translator, but whatever. Last time I at least got to have one in the room just in case I really couldn't think of a word... but this time there is no one. I am scared to death. If anyone wants to practice Spanish with me, please, please please! :)

Hmm... what was this post? Something to distract me from all the things making me sad and to help me escape from thinking about some really sad things? Yeah, it was that. I don't want to stop writing, because then I will just lay in bed and thinking about how sad I am about tonight and Mexico and so many other things that one could never justify and properly explain in a stupid little blog like mine.

I feel like my words have become worthless lately and as if I have become incapable and writing anything deep, meaningful, beautiful or even just nice to read.

Guess I used up all of my energy a few months ago writing practically a novel for a young man that I never sent and never will(oh, maybe someday...in like 10 years...don't freak)! hahahah :) that's ok though.

Your silence says the most.

That was all getting old and tiring. I'm ready to get this little blog back to what I originally had intended it for — to share my thoughts, ideas, anecdotes and little poems with the world — not use it to foolishly communicate with someone who doesn't even care that I was hurting about something. And I gave one last attempt at letting that person say something, anything, to me to ease the pain a little, and that didn't happen. Fine, it's fine. I would have preferred any reaction to this, but what can you do? I took a risk, I took it too late and I did it in a really stupid and pathetic way unlike I ever imagined I would. But, as I thought about it this weekend...I wondered what the hell I was thinking? After realizing how unimportant I am to this person, it made me wonder why I cared so long and so much. So I am going to stop. And it made me really want to go for it with this new person... and my most recent little date was absolutely beautiful, because I let go for an evening and stopped being so scared.

Anyway. Whatever. That's just some random ramblings. I deleted a LOT of my old posts. There were about 50, and I've gone down to 16. I just didn't want to live in the past. I deleted a lot of the posts where all I did was complain. I deleted most of the posts where all I did was try to slyly deal with my emotions toward a certain person. And for a while, I think I might try to force myself to stay away from writing about love and relationships. That's boring and gets my writing stuck in a rut, because that is what I always write/complain about and that is always what everyone writes about.

So here's to a new blog — a new way of thinking — a new love — a new Frilz.
I'm excited to see where this goes, and even if you are upset with me for my confessions, I hope you stay along for the journey.