I wrote this tonight...sitting in the mud in my white dress....by the riverside....away from the entire world...and it was wonderful.
So I'm sitting outside by the river and it's 11 p.m. It's cold and rainy, and I have never felt so alive. That's what the rain does to me; I love it. So I'm writing this on paper and pen...old school...althought I'm sure it will soon be transposed onto my blog since my handwriting is so awful and I'll want to be able to read this when I am like 80....and laugh at how emo and absurd I was in all my teenage angst.
A kind of eerie feeling has just swept over me...maybe not eerie. It's almost impossible to explain. I just became really nostalgic almost. Sitting here by the river, totally surrounded (almost) by nature... it reminds me of the one completely happy period of my life...and it's strange that it makes me so sad and also strange that I will never get that period of my life back. EVER. I will never again be that little girl playing in the creek with the dog, sitting in a giant tree reading C.S. Lewis (yes, that is what I read from the time I was 7 until....now), baking cookies with my mom, and gardening and doing outdoor work with my dad...those sunny days with my family in the country were beautiful. Perhaps someday I will have a family of my own and get to experience that feeling once more.
But never again will I be able to run to the comfort of my mom and dad's bed when I get scared after watching Pet Cemetery...Gosh, I still am freaked out thinking about that now, out here, by myself in the dark — with nothing around my but vicious nightingales and eerie cattails. But i need to get used to being along — don't I? Because that's the way it is now....and the way it will be for a while. That's ok with me, but there are just certain moments (like now) where it would feel so nice to have someone there, just to take me by the hand and clam me down and say, "Erika, lovely, yeah, there's a lot of shit going on right now, but I'm here for you and you're here for me and in this moment, that's all that matters." I know how horrible corny that is, but nevertheless, anyone would love to hear that from someone they love. Comforting words are always welcome.
And that person could be anyone....not just a lover, however I may have made it sound like that's what I meant.
Sometimes I wish I could just swallow my pride and show some vulnerability long enough for me to tell my mom that I miss her and need her and that I want her to hold me while I just cry...because right now, she's all I have. And she's the only person in the world who would give her life for me (and who practically has given up her entire life for me)...but to do that would mean breaking down and showing that I'm not strong enough to handle any of this shit on my own. I grew up way too fast — and I'm regretting that right now. I don't have a dad and my mom's an hour away and has too much stress of her own to really think about the fact that I have so many problems and adult stresses that I could use her help and guidance with.
I do absolutely EVERYTHING for myself, I really am not trying to talk myself up or make me sound amazing, because I am a awful person most of the time, but I don't know how I handle everything that I do.... three jobs, full-time student, trying to pay all of my bills and not have to take out loans for school, extra-curricular activities, social life, trying to make time for the family too...it's all shit. and on top of all that, I have to worry about things like getting my car repaired and scheduling a surgery for myself and dealing with me horrible health insurance...all this crap that I have no idea what the heck I am doinggg.... then I have all of this emotional shit going on in my head. .... .... and that's the stuff that's really been taking the toll on me.
I've been so confused and hurt lately...by multiple people, events and things.... but there is NO ONE to talk to about this. Honestly, there is really not one person I could be totally honest about myself with and tell them what I've been doing and feeling lately.... no one would want to believe me....... no one would get it ..... and who wants to listen to someone else talk about themselves for so long? No one... I would never subject anyone to that kind of selfishness.
I want one thing right now more than anything — but it's all fucking wrong — AND I KNOW IT. But it doesn't keep me from wanting it — and I would take it even though I know it's the wrong choice. And it would be wonderful for a time, but it would get screwed up way too quickly and I would ache for far too long.... PLUS, I don't even know if I CAN have it...but I'm really damn close and my hands are fucking freezing right now...and my pen is out.......
(of ink)
There's my ultimate emo post! ahahhaah
It's kind of hilarious.
6.4.08
Pine cones, barbecues and roadkill snakes
It's a beautiful day, and although I have a million chores to get done in so little time, I have decided to procrastinate (as I typically do) and accomplish things for myself today — like take photos, sit outside, drink lemonade and actually think about things that matter instead of all the useless crap that is always worrying me when it shouldn't.... because in the end, it really doesn't matter whether or not I get an A in my Visual Literacry course or made $10 million, what matters is that I had important life moments.
Sometimes it's easy for me to forget that memories and enjoying life are so much more important than being the paragon of success. But although I have gotten lost in a hectic collegiate world this semester, I have not totally forgotten my life motto. This semester has been one of the most unique, interesting, trying, confusing and wonderful periods of my life. Never have I felt so many strong emotions in one period of time, but I have this semester.
There's a cute little dog in my yard right now. I don't know where she came from, but she's a cutie, and she is eating grass. Dogs eat grass when they are constipated...I hope it does the trick. I can see the years of wear and tear on this mother dog, she deserves to take a crap without having to work for it. But, alas, no one's life is perfect. Not even that of a little weiner dog.
Haha
How do I always end up talking about animals?
Lickity lick...
I have never seen a dog eat grass for so long. This little lady is just grazing like a cow.
Anyway, I would really love to fly a kite today — go to Pioneer's Park like I did when I was little.
I'd also like to do some gardening...I bought some Dahlias, forget-me-nots, strawberries, herbs, etc...
Every year my dad and I used to plant things like that, especially when we lived out in the country. We used to have a strawberry patch, mulberry trees, tomatoes, corn, cucumbers, bleeding hearts, everything... One year I grew potatoes, and I was so excited.
Potatoes are a strange thing. Really, though, they are.
You have to have a lot of faith to plant potatoes because you can't watch the potato grow as it is underground. Yes, there is a green leafy plant that shoots out of the dirt that you can examine, it still does not tell you much about what is underneath all that dirt — and what is under all that dirt is what really matters. If you dig down to get your potatoes too early, they'll be small and puny, too late, and they could be so giant that it takes away from the flavor. Ok, I just made that part up... I don't really know what the hell happens to potatoes if you dig them up too late....but if you dig them up REALLY late... like when there is snow...they might freeze up and die and decay and yeah!! BUT Maybe the cold would keep them preserved? Actually, now that I think about it, you can't really screw up growing potatoes.
This cool analogy I was about to make SUCKS.
Moving on...
I had such an amazing weekend. It has been so gorgeous outside, and I am so blessed to live where I do on the lake.
Friday I went with some friends to the Tugboat art gallery opening — free boxed wine — who can complain?? I took a loved one to Amigo's for the first time ever! Who goes their entire life as a Nebraskan without eating at Shmigs (Amigos)? Then I attended a house party and visited another loved one at her place of occupation (The Mill). What a beautiful young lady she is, too! Honey brown locks of hair, eyes likes those of an innocent doe about to lose it's life to a cruel hunter... or maybe more-so eyes like that of Bambi as he watches his mom die. Anyway, they are fabulous eyes, so full of emotion! And not always so sad like little Bambi, most of the time they are full of joy and life! She would brush her hands up against her dark blue jeans while working, leaving a trail of Cappuccino foam behind, she took a deep breath and turned around to see the line of customers continuously growing longer 15 minutes before close. "This job never ends," she thinks to herself, "don't these idiots realize we close in 15 minutes? Why is no one leaving? Fuck me." But Kate doesn't let her inner thoughts phase her. Instead of yelling, "Get the FUCK OUT, WE'ZE CLOZIN'" She simply turns up the music really loudly and dims the lights. A much politer way of saying exactly the same thing. Soon, the customers begin to slowly clear out. You can tell this steamy barista is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, but she's not going to let it bring her down!
What the heck was that? I really don't know. I could have gone on forever...but I didn't want to freak Kate out... ahahahah
Saturday was a joyous day. I woke up refreshed at 9 a.m. and got much accomplished — house cleaning, grocery shopping, seeing my grammy, cleaning my dirty body, you know...
Saturday was also what would have been my dad's birthday. So, I bought some flowers to plant for him — just like he and I used to do together every year (as I said earlier).
I then had some people over for a little barbecue. I haven't had a good, relaxing, stress-free evening with friends like that in so long, it was exactly what I needed. Cooking burgers, taking walks down to the river, getting water splashed all over me!, seeing roadkill snakes, jumping in the cold lake late at night, taking a group shower, sippin' wine and coronas, listening to music and enjoying the nice evening with people I love. Perfect. I hope everyone else enjoyed it. :)
Today I will take photos... I am working on a project for someone!!!
This was a strange post.
Sometimes it's easy for me to forget that memories and enjoying life are so much more important than being the paragon of success. But although I have gotten lost in a hectic collegiate world this semester, I have not totally forgotten my life motto. This semester has been one of the most unique, interesting, trying, confusing and wonderful periods of my life. Never have I felt so many strong emotions in one period of time, but I have this semester.
There's a cute little dog in my yard right now. I don't know where she came from, but she's a cutie, and she is eating grass. Dogs eat grass when they are constipated...I hope it does the trick. I can see the years of wear and tear on this mother dog, she deserves to take a crap without having to work for it. But, alas, no one's life is perfect. Not even that of a little weiner dog.
Haha
How do I always end up talking about animals?
Lickity lick...
I have never seen a dog eat grass for so long. This little lady is just grazing like a cow.
Anyway, I would really love to fly a kite today — go to Pioneer's Park like I did when I was little.
I'd also like to do some gardening...I bought some Dahlias, forget-me-nots, strawberries, herbs, etc...
Every year my dad and I used to plant things like that, especially when we lived out in the country. We used to have a strawberry patch, mulberry trees, tomatoes, corn, cucumbers, bleeding hearts, everything... One year I grew potatoes, and I was so excited.
Potatoes are a strange thing. Really, though, they are.
You have to have a lot of faith to plant potatoes because you can't watch the potato grow as it is underground. Yes, there is a green leafy plant that shoots out of the dirt that you can examine, it still does not tell you much about what is underneath all that dirt — and what is under all that dirt is what really matters. If you dig down to get your potatoes too early, they'll be small and puny, too late, and they could be so giant that it takes away from the flavor. Ok, I just made that part up... I don't really know what the hell happens to potatoes if you dig them up too late....but if you dig them up REALLY late... like when there is snow...they might freeze up and die and decay and yeah!! BUT Maybe the cold would keep them preserved? Actually, now that I think about it, you can't really screw up growing potatoes.
This cool analogy I was about to make SUCKS.
Moving on...
I had such an amazing weekend. It has been so gorgeous outside, and I am so blessed to live where I do on the lake.
Friday I went with some friends to the Tugboat art gallery opening — free boxed wine — who can complain?? I took a loved one to Amigo's for the first time ever! Who goes their entire life as a Nebraskan without eating at Shmigs (Amigos)? Then I attended a house party and visited another loved one at her place of occupation (The Mill). What a beautiful young lady she is, too! Honey brown locks of hair, eyes likes those of an innocent doe about to lose it's life to a cruel hunter... or maybe more-so eyes like that of Bambi as he watches his mom die. Anyway, they are fabulous eyes, so full of emotion! And not always so sad like little Bambi, most of the time they are full of joy and life! She would brush her hands up against her dark blue jeans while working, leaving a trail of Cappuccino foam behind, she took a deep breath and turned around to see the line of customers continuously growing longer 15 minutes before close. "This job never ends," she thinks to herself, "don't these idiots realize we close in 15 minutes? Why is no one leaving? Fuck me." But Kate doesn't let her inner thoughts phase her. Instead of yelling, "Get the FUCK OUT, WE'ZE CLOZIN'" She simply turns up the music really loudly and dims the lights. A much politer way of saying exactly the same thing. Soon, the customers begin to slowly clear out. You can tell this steamy barista is carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders, but she's not going to let it bring her down!
What the heck was that? I really don't know. I could have gone on forever...but I didn't want to freak Kate out... ahahahah
Saturday was a joyous day. I woke up refreshed at 9 a.m. and got much accomplished — house cleaning, grocery shopping, seeing my grammy, cleaning my dirty body, you know...
Saturday was also what would have been my dad's birthday. So, I bought some flowers to plant for him — just like he and I used to do together every year (as I said earlier).
I then had some people over for a little barbecue. I haven't had a good, relaxing, stress-free evening with friends like that in so long, it was exactly what I needed. Cooking burgers, taking walks down to the river, getting water splashed all over me!, seeing roadkill snakes, jumping in the cold lake late at night, taking a group shower, sippin' wine and coronas, listening to music and enjoying the nice evening with people I love. Perfect. I hope everyone else enjoyed it. :)
Today I will take photos... I am working on a project for someone!!!
This was a strange post.
31.3.08
Tangent Love
Human beings are the most sensitive of creatures. Although we have been self-dubbed as being superior to other beings because of our intellect and ability to reason... It seems that other beings may have an advantage over us when it comes to matters of difficult emotion — sorrow, heartbreak, anger...
When a puppy is taken away from his mother to a new home, he only feels that absence for a few days. The little dog VERY soon forgets about the loss of his very own mother by replacing her with this new family. His mother is as good as dead — he has forgotten her and replaced her quickly. He just wants to be loved and he doesn't care by whom.
When buck fights buck to win the beautiful doe, the buck who loses the doe of his dreams doesn't even realize what he has lost — he merely moves on to fighting the next buck for the next doe until he wins a mate.
Humans are so different. When we lose (literally or metaphorically speaking) someone close to us, such as a parent or a lover or a good friend... there are wounds created in our hearts that never completely heal. Never. That person has touched your life and without them, you are not whole.
When humans fight like the bucks for the love of someone else...if they lose, it's not so simple to just move on to the next fight to find another person to love who will love you back.
I know these are awful analogies, but it IS 2 a.m. Cut me some slack. :)
I suppose I said all of that to indirectly say how I feel about some things in my life right now.
It's not easy to replace people you love, and I feel like I lose a lot of people I grow close to for uncontrollable reasons, and how depressing that is.
As for the bucks being applied to my life...I feel like I am constantly fighting for things that will never end up the way I want them to. I also seem to always be the buck and never the doe being fought over.
---------------------------------------
Hhahahaa
That was really cheesy, but I don't really give a damn.
---------------------------------------
This weekend was one of the strangest of my life. I really surprised myself with the way I acted, and I was really surprised by the way a lot of other people close to me acted. I was surprised and hurt by most of the people who attended the party I had on Friday. Everything in my house was awful the next morning, so much worse than it had ever been — puke in the sink, bathtub, outside, the living room....cigarette butts littering the carpeted floor in my house, and my carpets turns from a light tan into a nasty poo brown.
I surprised myself by drinking more than I have since November...and I surprised myself by doing and saying things I would never have done sober.
---------------------------------------
I'm so confused about my life right now and what I feel.
Well, I know what I feel, but I am still trying to decide if I should let myself continue to feel that way and run some huge risks, or if I should just forget about it.
I hate that no matter what I do in some situations, I know I am destined to get my heart broken.
I wish I had more confidence.
------------------------------
My eyes are refusing to stay open....sleep time.
Although, I must say, this ended up being a very different blog post from what I had originally planned for it to be....,,,,,,,,,
When a puppy is taken away from his mother to a new home, he only feels that absence for a few days. The little dog VERY soon forgets about the loss of his very own mother by replacing her with this new family. His mother is as good as dead — he has forgotten her and replaced her quickly. He just wants to be loved and he doesn't care by whom.
When buck fights buck to win the beautiful doe, the buck who loses the doe of his dreams doesn't even realize what he has lost — he merely moves on to fighting the next buck for the next doe until he wins a mate.
Humans are so different. When we lose (literally or metaphorically speaking) someone close to us, such as a parent or a lover or a good friend... there are wounds created in our hearts that never completely heal. Never. That person has touched your life and without them, you are not whole.
When humans fight like the bucks for the love of someone else...if they lose, it's not so simple to just move on to the next fight to find another person to love who will love you back.
I know these are awful analogies, but it IS 2 a.m. Cut me some slack. :)
I suppose I said all of that to indirectly say how I feel about some things in my life right now.
It's not easy to replace people you love, and I feel like I lose a lot of people I grow close to for uncontrollable reasons, and how depressing that is.
As for the bucks being applied to my life...I feel like I am constantly fighting for things that will never end up the way I want them to. I also seem to always be the buck and never the doe being fought over.
---------------------------------------
Hhahahaa
That was really cheesy, but I don't really give a damn.
---------------------------------------
This weekend was one of the strangest of my life. I really surprised myself with the way I acted, and I was really surprised by the way a lot of other people close to me acted. I was surprised and hurt by most of the people who attended the party I had on Friday. Everything in my house was awful the next morning, so much worse than it had ever been — puke in the sink, bathtub, outside, the living room....cigarette butts littering the carpeted floor in my house, and my carpets turns from a light tan into a nasty poo brown.
I surprised myself by drinking more than I have since November...and I surprised myself by doing and saying things I would never have done sober.
---------------------------------------
I'm so confused about my life right now and what I feel.
Well, I know what I feel, but I am still trying to decide if I should let myself continue to feel that way and run some huge risks, or if I should just forget about it.
I hate that no matter what I do in some situations, I know I am destined to get my heart broken.
I wish I had more confidence.
------------------------------
My eyes are refusing to stay open....sleep time.
Although, I must say, this ended up being a very different blog post from what I had originally planned for it to be....,,,,,,,,,
21.3.08
meodosso
Fava been fava bean fava soup
Have you ever been on the loop de loop?
Tonight grammy said, "Ain't no bat in thurrrr"
And we believed.
We went to the house for a child to conceive
But before the job even started
Out from under the door he parted
Right into her shaking arm.
NO, BAT! NO, NO, BAT
Cried Lucy from the floor. It's scary in hereeeee
Gdfsaldkjflksdf
sometimes the girl in the kangaroo suit really makes me upset.
Have you ever been on the loop de loop?
Tonight grammy said, "Ain't no bat in thurrrr"
And we believed.
We went to the house for a child to conceive
But before the job even started
Out from under the door he parted
Right into her shaking arm.
NO, BAT! NO, NO, BAT
Cried Lucy from the floor. It's scary in hereeeee
Gdfsaldkjflksdf
sometimes the girl in the kangaroo suit really makes me upset.
18.3.08
Tentacles of Fire
Lamenting the loss of his luster,
Uncle Tuster (a california raisin) went out with his butler.
With a cluster in hand and a castle of sand
He got extracted a gland from his upper thorax rubbed clean with a pint of borax.
Tentacles tentacles castles of sand
tentacles! tentacles! earth, wind & fire.
Teribithea's where it lies! But he was hit with your upper left eyes.
A treasure within your two thighs doth lie
Candy and lemonade.
So lament, young camel in the pineapple tree.
Your tentacles too could be on fire.
Erika wade through the grass on a sunny day. Dandelions flying in the air. She tousled her hair as the wind drew it back, and ..... she couldn't move or think anymore because there he was...standing in the boondocks...smiling and waving....
Tune in within the next couple of days for more.........
Uncle Tuster (a california raisin) went out with his butler.
With a cluster in hand and a castle of sand
He got extracted a gland from his upper thorax rubbed clean with a pint of borax.
Tentacles tentacles castles of sand
tentacles! tentacles! earth, wind & fire.
Teribithea's where it lies! But he was hit with your upper left eyes.
A treasure within your two thighs doth lie
Candy and lemonade.
So lament, young camel in the pineapple tree.
Your tentacles too could be on fire.
Erika wade through the grass on a sunny day. Dandelions flying in the air. She tousled her hair as the wind drew it back, and ..... she couldn't move or think anymore because there he was...standing in the boondocks...smiling and waving....
Tune in within the next couple of days for more.........
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