I wrote this tonight...sitting in the mud in my white dress....by the riverside....away from the entire world...and it was wonderful.
So I'm sitting outside by the river and it's 11 p.m. It's cold and rainy, and I have never felt so alive. That's what the rain does to me; I love it. So I'm writing this on paper and pen...old school...althought I'm sure it will soon be transposed onto my blog since my handwriting is so awful and I'll want to be able to read this when I am like 80....and laugh at how emo and absurd I was in all my teenage angst.
A kind of eerie feeling has just swept over me...maybe not eerie. It's almost impossible to explain. I just became really nostalgic almost. Sitting here by the river, totally surrounded (almost) by nature... it reminds me of the one completely happy period of my life...and it's strange that it makes me so sad and also strange that I will never get that period of my life back. EVER. I will never again be that little girl playing in the creek with the dog, sitting in a giant tree reading C.S. Lewis (yes, that is what I read from the time I was 7 until....now), baking cookies with my mom, and gardening and doing outdoor work with my dad...those sunny days with my family in the country were beautiful. Perhaps someday I will have a family of my own and get to experience that feeling once more.
But never again will I be able to run to the comfort of my mom and dad's bed when I get scared after watching Pet Cemetery...Gosh, I still am freaked out thinking about that now, out here, by myself in the dark — with nothing around my but vicious nightingales and eerie cattails. But i need to get used to being along — don't I? Because that's the way it is now....and the way it will be for a while. That's ok with me, but there are just certain moments (like now) where it would feel so nice to have someone there, just to take me by the hand and clam me down and say, "Erika, lovely, yeah, there's a lot of shit going on right now, but I'm here for you and you're here for me and in this moment, that's all that matters." I know how horrible corny that is, but nevertheless, anyone would love to hear that from someone they love. Comforting words are always welcome.
And that person could be anyone....not just a lover, however I may have made it sound like that's what I meant.
Sometimes I wish I could just swallow my pride and show some vulnerability long enough for me to tell my mom that I miss her and need her and that I want her to hold me while I just cry...because right now, she's all I have. And she's the only person in the world who would give her life for me (and who practically has given up her entire life for me)...but to do that would mean breaking down and showing that I'm not strong enough to handle any of this shit on my own. I grew up way too fast — and I'm regretting that right now. I don't have a dad and my mom's an hour away and has too much stress of her own to really think about the fact that I have so many problems and adult stresses that I could use her help and guidance with.
I do absolutely EVERYTHING for myself, I really am not trying to talk myself up or make me sound amazing, because I am a awful person most of the time, but I don't know how I handle everything that I do.... three jobs, full-time student, trying to pay all of my bills and not have to take out loans for school, extra-curricular activities, social life, trying to make time for the family too...it's all shit. and on top of all that, I have to worry about things like getting my car repaired and scheduling a surgery for myself and dealing with me horrible health insurance...all this crap that I have no idea what the heck I am doinggg.... then I have all of this emotional shit going on in my head. .... .... and that's the stuff that's really been taking the toll on me.
I've been so confused and hurt lately...by multiple people, events and things.... but there is NO ONE to talk to about this. Honestly, there is really not one person I could be totally honest about myself with and tell them what I've been doing and feeling lately.... no one would want to believe me....... no one would get it ..... and who wants to listen to someone else talk about themselves for so long? No one... I would never subject anyone to that kind of selfishness.
I want one thing right now more than anything — but it's all fucking wrong — AND I KNOW IT. But it doesn't keep me from wanting it — and I would take it even though I know it's the wrong choice. And it would be wonderful for a time, but it would get screwed up way too quickly and I would ache for far too long.... PLUS, I don't even know if I CAN have it...but I'm really damn close and my hands are fucking freezing right now...and my pen is out.......
(of ink)
There's my ultimate emo post! ahahhaah
It's kind of hilarious.
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