Tangent Love

Human beings are the most sensitive of creatures. Although we have been self-dubbed as being superior to other beings because of our intellect and ability to reason... It seems that other beings may have an advantage over us when it comes to matters of difficult emotion — sorrow, heartbreak, anger...
When a puppy is taken away from his mother to a new home, he only feels that absence for a few days. The little dog VERY soon forgets about the loss of his very own mother by replacing her with this new family. His mother is as good as dead — he has forgotten her and replaced her quickly. He just wants to be loved and he doesn't care by whom.
When buck fights buck to win the beautiful doe, the buck who loses the doe of his dreams doesn't even realize what he has lost — he merely moves on to fighting the next buck for the next doe until he wins a mate.
Humans are so different. When we lose (literally or metaphorically speaking) someone close to us, such as a parent or a lover or a good friend... there are wounds created in our hearts that never completely heal. Never. That person has touched your life and without them, you are not whole.
When humans fight like the bucks for the love of someone else...if they lose, it's not so simple to just move on to the next fight to find another person to love who will love you back.
I know these are awful analogies, but it IS 2 a.m. Cut me some slack. :)

I suppose I said all of that to indirectly say how I feel about some things in my life right now.

It's not easy to replace people you love, and I feel like I lose a lot of people I grow close to for uncontrollable reasons, and how depressing that is.
As for the bucks being applied to my life...I feel like I am constantly fighting for things that will never end up the way I want them to. I also seem to always be the buck and never the doe being fought over.

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Hhahahaa
That was really cheesy, but I don't really give a damn.

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This weekend was one of the strangest of my life. I really surprised myself with the way I acted, and I was really surprised by the way a lot of other people close to me acted. I was surprised and hurt by most of the people who attended the party I had on Friday. Everything in my house was awful the next morning, so much worse than it had ever been — puke in the sink, bathtub, outside, the living room....cigarette butts littering the carpeted floor in my house, and my carpets turns from a light tan into a nasty poo brown.
I surprised myself by drinking more than I have since November...and I surprised myself by doing and saying things I would never have done sober.

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I'm so confused about my life right now and what I feel.
Well, I know what I feel, but I am still trying to decide if I should let myself continue to feel that way and run some huge risks, or if I should just forget about it.

I hate that no matter what I do in some situations, I know I am destined to get my heart broken.

I wish I had more confidence.

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My eyes are refusing to stay open....sleep time.
Although, I must say, this ended up being a very different blog post from what I had originally planned for it to be....,,,,,,,,,