Once inspired by vanity, unrequited love and a grand mix of things I now find repulsive, it is so strange to look back and see how one year can change a person more than 19 other years of living in this world.
Although looking back on some things can tie my stomach into knots, I would never take it back. Without that pain, without that suffering, without all of those mistakes I made, I would not have been crafted and slowly shaped into the person I think, and the person I would like to be, for the rest of my life.
It is sometimes difficult to a person to look back on his life and not regret mistakes — to not look back and wonder what would have happened had he taken the other, easier, more practical path. What he does not seem to realize though, is that this easier path would not have had this beautiful, raw ending. Had there been no pitfalls, no fights, no bruises nor ups nor downs, he would be a useless unshaped blob — so fat and purposeless, that he would eventually be stuck in a rut and never move, never making anything of his life.
I remember loving someone so much that it hurt when I thought about it, and it hurt even more knowing this love was not just unrequited, but had been used by this person to glorify himself, to make him feel purposeful and worthwhile. While I got to sit and feel worthless.
I remember doing that more than once. I remember handing out my love like a free gift to anyone who wanted it. I wanted to love and love and give and give, and I thought I never expected anything in return. But the more my love was carelessly taken and used, and the more that what I gave was taken and trashed, the emptier I felt. The more I wanted someone to simply LOVE me in return. And after years of this treatment, I was so trampled and taken from, I had nothing left to give, or so I thought. I felt like an empty shell. Smiling, pretending to be happy, but I felt like every one had to see through me. I felt like everyone had to know that I was not really happy anymore, that they had drained everything from me. I felt like they should see what they had done! That THEY should fix it! I was there for them! I gave and I gave and I gave! And now, finally, I needed something, and where were they?
They were gone. They left. The abandoned me because there was nothing left of me for them to take. I was no fun anymore. I was worthless. Or so I felt. And I thought it was their fault.
But slowly, I realized, it was my very own fault. I let them do this to me. Of course, I did not DESERVE to be treated that way, but I let them. I never said anything. I kept quiet, not wanting to make anything chaotic or break the peace. But not "breaking the peace" kept me from ever being at peace.
And so, I slowly started crawling up onto my feet again. I realized that in order to feel better about myself, I had to give to myself a little. That taking care of myself is not selfish. I learned that you do not always have to constantly give to be loved and that you cannot do things for other people, or even have anything to offer to anyone else, if you don't take care of yourself.
I had to speak up for myself. I'd faced a lot of trying things in my life, but surprisingly nothing had proven more difficult than breaking a seemingly OK habit that was actually a nasty habit of 19 years. I had to watch people I thought were my best friends stop hanging out with me because I was different. I had to constantly tell myself I was doing the right thing, while constantly wondering how doing the right thing could feel so awful. But doesn't the "right" thing often feel so terrible at the start? But the more I took care of myself, the more I realized that friends lost over this were not really friends in the first place. And as I continued to realize this I learned even more. I saw that it is OK to set certain expectations of the people you surround yourself with. Slowly, I became happier and happier with myself. I became more confident and I was on a slow path to recovery. I started to heal... and can still feel myself healing every day.
It's a warm feeling inside of my heart, even reaching into the depths of my soul... cheesy as it may be, I can find no other words within me to describe this healing process.
As a matter of fact, my trip to the Czech Republic over winter break was such a huge part of that healing process. I went there for 2 weeks with only $250 in cash. My grandma forgot to deposit my check into my bank account while I was there, and no one in the Czech Republic knew that, until maybe the very end. But these lovely Czech (and Slovak!) people took me into their homes, they drove me and took care of me, they constantly insisted on paying for me and every single day there was chilly and cold, but all of their actions warmed my heart and healed so many unseen wounds (Wounds I am sure they had no idea they were aiding). For the first time in my life, other people were REALLY going out of their way to do some absolutely amazing things for me. (And I miss them all so very much).
The point is, since I made the decision to surround myself with people who treat me right, since I made the decision to stand up for myself — respect myself, really, my life has completely changed for the better.
Changing yourself, changing something huge about your personality, something that has identified you since you were BORN practically, is such a difficult thing to do. And for me, it was even harder, because I did not think any of those things about my personality were bad.
It's hard to see the huge flaws in trusting and loving everyone you meet. It's hard to find a flaw in always offering to pay for everything for everyone. It's hard to see the wrong in smiling without cessation, and so difficult to come to the realization that not everyone is good deep down, not everyone can be trusted, and that you are always going to get hurt. And if you aren't taking care of yourself to begin with, and especially if you never expect the possibility of being hurt, the surprise and the blow of the hit might just nearly knock you down and wear you out every time.
There is a fine line to walk with all of these things. To love with caution, but not too cautiously. To trust with caution, but not so cautiously that you keep everything locked up to yourself — never allowing anyone else into your world to see all the pleasure and beauty you behold. To smile and reveal a part of yourself, without the insane connotation of "I'll take off my pants for you in a second if you lie and say you love me for just a while." Haha.. ok... perhaps I'm taking that one a little too far, I know.
That was the hardest thing I ever had to do in my life, to change myself. To change these traits that had wounded me, without completely losing those friendly qualities. And it is still an on-going process. It is still a struggle at times to speak up. I still try to speak and nothing comes out sometimes. I still make some of the same stupid mistakes. But I learn. And sometimes you do just have to make a mistake again and again and again until you understand not go to there anymore — for me it was years of the same thing before I understood... and even now I still don't completely.
But this world, ever since Eve pursed her lips around that juicy piece of mango — I like to think the forbidden fruit was a mango — has never been a utopia, and sadly, never will reach that point of peaceful perfection.
I learn and grow every day.
Webster says:
To grow up, v.
a. to be or become fully grown; attain mental or physical maturity.
If reaching a complete mental maturity means being grown-up, then I honestly do not ever want to grow up. I want to grow and grow and grow up past the giant red oaks, past that waning crescent moon, further than our burning sun and the non-existent planet of Pluto, past the Andromeda Galaxy and past all of this and all of you. :) I want to learn and attain wisdom and sculpt myself daily, all while full well realizing that it's impossible to not get hurt. But also always keeping close to my heart the idea that always from the pain, grow millions of ideas and lessons so full of pulchritude.
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