Any wine in the house?

I bought a pair of binoculars yesterday. 99 cents at the Goodwill, it seemed like an offer too good to pass up.
I thought they would help me in my quest to get away from this place known as my college life. I thought I could use them to look into the heavens, into the lives of other people and into the lives of the freest — like the birds and the rabbits.
But instead of bringing me into other people's worlds, it just brings parts of my world closer to me. Right now, I put them over my eyes, and I see a giant glass of wine right in front of my nose. This is a rare treat for me, and helps me unwind during stressful weeks. To the right a little is my cell phone — a cell phone that has kept quiet far too long this week. The few sounds it did make would cause a racing heart and shaky hands, and then utter disappointment would follow upon looking at the caller ID.

I've been thinking a lot this week. In fact, my mind has been everywhere but in real time. I've been lost dreaming of my upcoming excursions to other countries, wondering about love, feeling other people's heartbreak, pondering sacrifice and wondering why I've made a lot of the decisions I have made.

I think about love a lot, but not in the cliché way most teenage girls think about love. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever fall in love the way I once did. I remember at the time I was in love, all of my peers convinced me it was merely infatuation/puppy love. I don't believe that in the least bit. Sure, it might have been high school, but I loved him. I am not upset that I'm not in love with him anymore, and I am not sad it had to end, but I am sad that I may never feel like that again.
I worry I will just marry someone because we have a lot in common, have the same morals and beliefs and are great friends, but we don't have that connection people in love have. I worry I won't be happy and that I will never find the person perfect for me.
I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than to marry someone who is my best friend, but I don't have that romantic connection with. But what happens if I mess up things with someone who is my best friend, and then realize I made a mistake? What if in the end I regret not going for it with that person, and it's too late? This might not make any sense if you don't know me incredibly well, so I apologize.

That's kind of a stupid thing to be thinking about right now, considering I am only 19, but I tend to worry about everything in the entire world, and a lot of random events have been happening in my seemingly non-existent romantic life. Nothing impressive or good though — just a lot of awkwardness. And if you happen to be reading this and know I am talking about you, know that I am NOT just talking about YOU. There are other parties involved in this, but I never delve into all of my little problems with ANYONE. Get over it!

Another thing I have been think a lot about lately is sacrifice. Not necessarily in a religious sense, although Jesus did make the ultimate sacrifice, but more-so in humanistic terms. This past month, as a matter-of-fact, this past school year, I have felt walked all over. One needs to be humble about what they do for other people, but I am just trying to strengthen my point about sacrifice.
I had/have been giving so much of my time, energy and money into other people, and I was starting to get depressed because it felt like no one was ever giving those things back to me or reciprocating my love and sacrifices for them.
But I have been reading a lot these past couple weeks, and have decided to take back my bitterness and anguish.

One of the things I have been reading is a book by Mitch Albom (author of Tuesdays With Morrie), and it is called, The Five People You Meet In Heaven I recommend it to everyone! Anyway, in one part of the book, the main character is in "Heaven" and one of the five people he gets to meet in Heaven is talking to him about sacrifice and says, "Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you're not really losing it. You're just passing it on to someone else." And I like that, because it is so true, and I never really thought about it that way. I mean, of course I sacrifice to make someone else happy, and that is basically what the Captain is saying, but it's better the way he says it and makes a lot more sense. It can be difficult to remember why you decided to make certain sacrifices, but you realize you are just passing on whatever you sacrifice to someone else, and doing something to make their life so much better. There's a lot more to be said here, but if I say more than it keeps you from thinking more.

My leg itches and I am sad about Heath Ledger. I will never be able to watch 10 Things I Hate About You in the same way...but I am also sick of everyone discussing it. In my journalism class today, our Professor brought up so many interesting aspects of the media to discuss, and the one people could not stop talking about was Heath Ledger...as amazing as he was, that is not how I want to spend my entire class period. There is more to the media than just the way they covered Heath Ledger's death.

I guess this was another serious post from me...sometimes I get nervous if I don't write something funny no one will ever get to the end and will be bored out of their minds reading this. I guess this was a nice little test, because at least my last emo blog post was kind of a human interest thing...this is just me blabbing about my arthritis and lip cysts and crap!

Time to go watch Conan O'Brien though and see if he has managed to redeem himself at all since he lost his writers.

Love to all of my like four readers. :)

P.S. My song of the week is Sukie in the Graveyard by Belle & Sebastian!